The Intentional Family

I just finished reading The Intentional Family: Simple Rituals to Strengthen Family Ties by William J. Doherty.  It was for a book club and I was initially a little skeptical... I thought it would be full of completely "duh" things or that it would be so dry I would have to force myself to read enough to participate in the discussion.  Not so.

What it's about:

I think this quote neatly sums up his intentions in writing the book: "Sometimes with my therapy clients, I use an analogy of the Mississippi River, which flows just a couple of miles from my office.  I say that family life is like putting a canoe into that great body of water.  If you enter the water at St. Paul and don't do anything, you will head south toward New Orleans.  If you want to go north, or even stay at St. Paul, you have to work hard and have a plan.  In the same way, if you get married or have a child without a working plan for your family's journey, you will likely head "south" toward less closeness, less meaning, and less joy over time.  A family, like a canoe, must be steered or paddled, or it won't take you where you want to go."

So, he goes through different family routines and activities and discusses how to change them into a ritual, that is, how to make them effective at bringing the family together.

Who it's for:

First of all it's NOT only for families that are falling apart.  I think it's applicable to any one in any walk of life because we all have family, even if we aren't together.

How it has changed us:

For a while I had been feeling overwhelmed by dinner time.  I spend the time to make it, then every one comes to the table for the blessing.  And then Cairn gets up to play, or insists on sitting on my lap while I try to feed Cerise and myself.  Then Grant finishes and paces while picking at the left overs or runs off to nab some game time without girls interrupting him....

So we took one of his suggestions (that came through a story not even a direct suggestion) and have been lighting a candle at dinner.  If Cairn wants to blow it out she needs to stay in her chair until we're all done, and no one is allowed to leave until it is done.  

This means Grant now feed Cerise so he doesn't get fidgety and we have a clear time for when dinner is done, so we actually take a little more time and talk a little more than before.

Other things he talked about seemed "duh" to us, but it was nice to be told we're doing good with something we almost took for granted like going to bed together, having family home evening (of course he didn't call it that), and going on dates.

Ok... and now for the girls:

While getting ready for church one Sunday (a few weeks ago) Cairn decided to do everybody's hair herself.  And then demanded... no, Cairn would never demand anything... asked so sweetly for a picture to be taken. You can't see it but I have four different clips in my hair and a knot of what tried to be a pony tail.

Cerise just looked so angelic sleeping and quiet and still.

This was last Saturday.  We had a rough night with Cerise teething and Cairn's nightmares.  She woke up and   actually refused to help make pancakes.  Grant went to get the ingredients and came back to find her like this.

This was the morning when she leaned over towards me as we were finishing up breakfast (I thought to give me a kiss) and puked all over my lap.  All plans were instantly cancelled.